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Originally posted on MuslimMatters

By Umm Reem

Some time ago, I gave a series of lectures on Taharah (cleanliness) to the sisters in my community. A number of questions were raised from the discussion. It was nice and a very open talk since the one giving the lecture was a female herself. The sisters felt quite comfortable asking questions, in detail, that they normally feel shy about.

One of the matters that we discussed was about the exact nature of female wet dreams. I realized that this issue is not only complicated for sisters but also a much neglected subject. This is why, I decided to have a full entry on this topic, for a number of reasons:

  1. This matter is not as simple and clearly distinguishable for sisters as it is for brothers, so it must be thoroughly explained.
  2. There are a number of lectures given from shayukh to the brothers, in detail; however, rarely do we ever hear any Shariah explanation for sisters, in detail.
  3. Mothers feel shy talking to their daughters about it. In which case, if the young daughter experiences a wet dream, she may not know the Shariah ruling on it or how to purify herself afterward.

Hence, I decided to contribute this piece, along with the help of a professional Gynecologist, Dr. Fatimah Lalani and Shaykh Yasir Qadhi, so it may help and benefit all the sisters who read this.

Wet dreams are as normal for women as they are for men. Although, the frequency may be lower compared to men, nonetheless, the occurrence of wet dreams among women does not indicate any abnormality.

Umm Salamah said: “Umm Sulaym came to the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, Allah is not too shy to tell us the truth. Does a woman have to do ghusl if she has a wet dream?’ The Prophet said: ‘Yes, if she sees water (a discharge).’ Umm Salamah covered her face and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, can a woman have an erotic dream?’ He said, ‘Yes, may your hands be rubbed with dust. How else would her child resemble her?’” (Bukhari)

Therefore, if a girl/woman sees a wet dream, it does not mean that she is sexually perverted, lewd or immodest in any sense. It is out of her control, especially for younger girls who may be experiencing many hormonal changes in their bodies. In fact, the Shariah itself recognizes wet dreams as a sign of puberty.

“And when the children among you come to puberty (al-hilm)…” [al-Noor 24:59]

The same term, al-hilm, is used for both puberty and wet dreams, marking wet dreams an indication of puberty.

Besides, Allah azzawajal created wet dreams as an outlet for men and women to release their sexual energy. It happens as a result of human nature which Allah azzawajal has created Himself and no blame can be put on a person. Moreover, since wet dreams happen during sleep, while a person has no control over himself/herself, theShariah frees a person from any blame.

The Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, said: “The Pen has been lifted from three: from the one who is sleeping until he wakes up, from the child until he reaches the age of puberty, and from one who is insane until he comes to his senses.” (Tirmidhi)

Also, keep in mind that the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, did not reprimand the woman who had a wet dream, neither did he declare it “abnormal” for women. Rather, he made it quite clear that women can have wet dreams just like men do and there is no oddity or incongruity with it.

Aisha (ra) said: The Messenger of Allaah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, was asked about a man who notices some wetness but does not remember having a wet dream. He said, “He should do ghusl.” He was asked about a man who thinks that he had an erotic dream but does not see any wetness. He said, “He does not have to do ghusl.” Umm Salamah said, “O Messenger of Allah, does a woman have to do ghusl if she sees something like that?” He said, “Yes, women are the twin halves of men.” (Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood)

And so, I want to remind the parents and the husbands to educate themselves on this subject before making any hurtful or psychologically damaging remarks to their womenfolk. This matter is as normal among women as it is among men.

Having said this, I want to encourage mothers to inform and educate their daughters about such dreams. Do not underestimate what others are capable of teaching your daughter, including her friends (inside or outside the schools, Muslims or non-Muslims) or even teachers. Even if they do not attend the “sex-Ed” class at the school, I can assure you that they will be taught by their fellow students. Most of my teen students learned about these issues from their classmates during 3rd and 4th grade. That was about ten years ago and over the time; our society has only become more corrupted.

It is best that a daughter hears and learns this information directly from her own mother rather than from someone else educating her in school or in the streets. A mother’s education is sincere, pure, and free of any vulgarity. Besides, a Muslim mother can/should always point out the Islamic recognition of the normality of our body functions and the Shariah rulings about it.

Do not wait until your daughter asks you, because she may never ask you. This is a step that a mother has to initiate and be the first to “break the ice.” My suggestion is to explain exactly what happens during a wet dream, next give her the biological/hormonal cause, and then explain to her the Islamic ruling about it. Make your daughter feel comfortable, do not pass any embarrassing comments, put a smile on your face but be precise.

Also, do not wait until her menstrual cycle starts. It is better to educate her once the signs of puberty start appearing in her. During my discussion with Dr. Lalani, I asked her if a girl could have wet dreams before she has her first menstrual cycle. And she replied:

“Yes I suppose it is possible. Puberty is a continuum and can begin around age 9-10, starting with development of breasts, pubic and underarm hair, a growth spurt, and then menses. Throughout this time you have hormonal changes, so I suppose you could have a wet dream, prior to onset of menses.”

It led to my other question: Can wet dreams in itself mark the onset of a girl’s puberty (balagha) making her accountable for her religious obligations like fasting and hijab? Of course as any fiqhi matter, this too, had ikhtilaf (difference of opinions). I do not intend to defend one opinion or the other, but I will briefly mention both opinions.

Those scholars, who support the opinion that wet dreams are an indication of a girl reaching the age of puberty, base their opinion on the signs of male puberty and do not make any distinction between the two genders; they include menstruation as an additional sign for females.

However, the other opinion is inferred from a number of ahadith that state that the rulings are to be established at time of menstruation, like the hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam:

“Allah does not accept the prayer of a menstruating woman [i.e who has gotten her menstruation] unless she wears a veil [khimar]“. [Abu Dawood, at-Tirmizi]

And like the narration in Sahih Muslim in which the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam indicated that a man’s prayer is cut off when a woman who has gotten her menstruation passes in front of him. In this hadith, the sign of abaligha (a woman who has reached puberty) was indicated by her menstruation, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam.

To conclude, since the female wet dream may or may not be accompanied by a discharge, contrary to that of men, I posed a few questions to the shuyukh based on the discussion I had with other women and I received following answers from Sh. Yasir Qadhi:

These answers are by Sh. Yasir Qadhi:

To be honest we rarely find such DETAILED discussion in fiqh books, most likely because men are not as familiar with this topic as they should be.  However, based on the hadith of the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, I would say that:

Question: If a woman sees a sexual dream but is confused whether she had an orgasm or not, what should she do? (Please keep in mind that female genital area is always wet, and they do not necessarily always have extra discharge upon orgasm, so the matter is not as easy to discriminate as for men)

Answer: The ‘asl (original) is that she has not had a wet dream, so until there is yaqin(certainty) she does not have to take a bath. Therefore, if she does not remember an orgasm, and her private area is not extra wet, she doesn’t have to do ghusl (bath).

Question: If she sees extra vaginal discharge but is sure that she didn’t have any dream of sexual nature at all?

Answer: Vaginal discharge does not necessitate ghusl, no problems here.

Question: If she sees extra vaginal discharge and is confused about the dream (i.e. vaguely recalls something but is not sure either), again keeping in mind that extra vaginal discharge could be completely hormonal or due to the normal menstrual cycle?

Answer: She must have yaqin (certainty) or at least a very strong presumption that she’s had a wet dream (which includes an orgasm).

If sisters have any further questions, please feel free to post them here.

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Praise be to Allaah.

 

It is not permissible for a woman to show her adornment except to those whom Allaah has mentioned in the verse (interpretation of the meaning):

“… and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent (like both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer palms of hands or one eye or dress like veil, gloves, headcover, apron), and to draw their veils all over Juyoobihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and bosoms) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband’s fathers, or their sons, or their husband’s sons, or their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s sons, or their (Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islam), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of feminine sex. And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allaah to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful”

[al-Noor 24:30-31]

The suitor is not one of these, rather he is only permitted to look for the purpose of proposing marriage, and the woman does not have the right to adorn herself for him.

Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: It is permissible for the suitor to see the woman to whom he is proposing marriage, but that is subject to certain conditions:

1 – That he needs to see her. If there is no need then the basic principle is that a man should not look at a woman who is a non-mahram to him, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things)” [al-Noor 24:30].

2 – He should have made up his mind that he wants to propose. If he is still hesitant then he should not look, but if he has made up his mind then he may look, then he should either go ahead or give up the idea.

3 – This looking should be without being alone with her, i.e. it is essential that she have one of her mahrams with her, either her father, brother, paternal uncle or maternal uncle. That is because being alone with a non-mahram woman is haraam, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No man should be alone with a woman without a mahram being present.” And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” They said: O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law? He said: “The in-law is death.”

4 – He should think it most likely that she and her family will accept. If he does not think that is most likely, then there is no point in looking in this case, because his proposal will not be accepted, whether he looks at her or not.

Some scholars stipulated that his desire should not be provoked when looking, and that his aim should be only to find out. If his desire is provoked then he must stop looking, because before the marriage contract is done with a woman, it is not appropriate to enjoy looking at her, so he must refrain. In this situation the woman must come out to the suitor looking ordinary; she should not come out wearing beautiful clothes or makeup, because she is not yet his wife. Moreover, if she comes to him looking beautiful and wearing her best clothes, then he may propose because he was dazzled by her the first time he looked at her, then he will find out that she is not as she appeared to him at first.

End quote from Fataawa Noor ‘ala al-Darb

Elsewhere he (may Allaah have mercy on him) indicated that this may have the opposite effect, because if he looks at her when she is wearing makeup and fine clothes, he may see her as more beautiful than she really is, and in that case when he enters upon her following the wedding and sees her as she really is, he may be put off her and no longer interested in him.

To sum up: If a suitor comes to a woman it is permissible for her to uncover her face and hands and head and that which usually appears, according to the correct view, but without wearing any cosmetics or adornments.

And Allaah knows best.

by Muhammad Alshareef

1. Use your ‘Fitnah’ to win the heart of your husband.
All women have the ornaments that Allah blessed them with. Use the beauty Allah Ta’ala has bestowed you with to win the heart of your husband.

2. When your husband comes home, greet him with a wonderful greeting.
Imagine your husband coming home to a clean house, an exquisitely dressed wife, a dinner prepared with care, children clean and sweet smelling, a clean bedroom – what would this do to his love for you? Now imagine what the opposite does to him.

3. Review the characteristics of the Hoor Al-Ayn and try to imitate them.
The Qur’an and Sunnah describe the women in Jannah with certain characteristics. Such as the silk they wear, their large dark eyes, their singing to their husband, etc. Try it, wear silk for your husband, put Kohl in your eyes to ‘enlarge’ them, and sing to your husband.

4. Always wear jewelry and dress up in the house.
From the early years, little girls have adorned themselves with earrings and bracelets and worn pretty dresses – as described in the Qur’an. As a wife, continue to use the jewelry that you have and the pretty dresses for your husband.

5. Joke and play games with your husband.
A man’s secret: they seek women who are lighthearted and have a sense of humor. As Rasulullah (saw) told Jabir to marry someone who would make him laugh and he would make her laugh.

6. Thank your husband constantly for the nice things he does. Then thank him again.
This is one of the most important techniques, as the opposite is a characteristic of the women of hellfire.

7. An argument is a fire in the house. Extinguish it with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if it is not your fault.
When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, “Look, I’m sorry. Let’s be friends.”

8. Always seek to please your husband, for he is your key to Jannah.
Rasulullah (saw) taught us that any woman who dies in a state where her husband is pleased with her, shall enter Jannah. So… please him.

9. Listen and Obey!
Obeying your husband is Fard! Your husband is the Ameer of the household. Give him that right and respect.

10. Make Dua to Allah to make your marriage and relationship successful.
All good things are from Allah. Never forget to ask Allah Ta’ala for the blessing of having a successful marriage that begins in this Dunya and continues on – by the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala – into Jannah.

And Allah ta’ala knows best.

This one’s a pdf..click on the link please.

 

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf

The Ideal Muslim Woman and Her Husband

(An Excerpt from the Book “The Ideal Muslimah: The True Islâmic Personality of the Muslim Woman as Defined in the Qur’ân and Sunnah”)

By  Dr. Muhammad ‘Ali Al-Hashimi

Translated by Nasiruddin Al-Khattab and Revised by Ibrahim M. Kunna and Abu  Aya Sulaiman Abdus-Sabur Copyright and published by the International Islâmic Publishing House (IIPH), Riyadh, Saudi Arabia in 1999.

Marriage in Islam

In Islam, marriage is a blessed contract between a man and a woman, in which each becomes “permitted” to the other, and they begin the long journey of life in a spirit of love, co-operation, harmony and tolerance, where each feels at ease with the other, and finds tranquility, contentment and comfort in the company of the other. The Qur’an has described this relationship between men and women, which brings love, harmony, trust and compassion, in the most moving and eloquent terms:

( And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] . . .) (Qur’an 30:21)

[…] http://www.wefound.org/texts/Ideal_Muslims_files/herhusband.htm

Where the River Meets the Sea: Lessons in Marriage Mastery for the Muslim Woman
by Heba Alshareef

The Nile River is generally regarded as the longest in the world. It has been valued since the beginning of time. Through it, an ancient civilization was born. In it, traveled a young baby alone in a basket, who would later grow to be an honored prophet of Allah SWT.
The waters of the Nile, besides being used for cultivation from thousands of years back, have been revered in history books, praised in poems, studied by architects and explorers, and even considered a gateway to the afterlife by those who followed pagan religions.
Still, there is this point near my mother’s ancestral home in Egypt, called the Rosetta Branch, where the Nile River meets the Mediterranean Sea. I stood there on the banks of the river, and the sands of the sea. The sea azure, so breathtakingly beautiful, so strong. And next to it the Nile, surrendering it’s weakness; muddy, minute. Right there, where the river meets the sea, the Nile doesn’t seem to be all that anymore. In fact, she seems rather petty and insignificant.

****

Those who know me, who’ve experienced coaching calls with me, will all attest to the fact that I am a champion of strength. Strength of purpose, strength of vision, strength of self-image. And they may be surprised that in this article, I am encouraging submission. But one doesn’t have to be removed from the other. As women generally, and as wives specifically, we can be both strong and weak. And when you find the ability to balance your strengths and weaknesses, you will find the ability to master your marriage.

Muslim women should live by this hadith: The Prophet SAW said, “A woman who offers her fard salah, fasts the month of Ramadhan, protects her chastity, and obeys her husband, will enter jannah from whichever door she chooses.”

And much debate has risen over this hadith and others like it. Haters would use it to defy the status of women in Islam. But they would have missed so valuable a point.

Allah SWT has made it simple for the woman. It is not degrading, but enlightening.
Allah SWT knows the nature of women. He, ajja wa jal, is our creator. He knows what we need. And when we have husbands, good, Allah-fearing husbands, then He, SWT, has given us the formula that will make us happy in this life and happy in the next.

****

Some of us women work, some of us are in school, some look after their homes and children, and some of us subscribe to all of these roles. But the most important role, the one we should give top priority to, is the role of outstanding wife.

Years ago, my mother, like so many Muslim mothers read me the advice of Omama bint Alhareth to her daughter on her wedding day. I couldn’t find a translation that does the Arabic justice, but there are 10 things that she mentioned that I have lived by since then. And Alhamdullilah, my marriage is now considered a mastered one; and one of my choosing.

She said:

“Be his slave, he will be yours”
“Be a good listener”
“Respect his judgment, his decisions”
“Do not let his eyes fall on anything filthy of you.”
“Be weary of his sleeping time”
“Be weary of his meal times”
“Be mindful of wasting his money; do not be cheap, but practice moderation”
“Do not disobey any of his orders”
“Do not share his secrets with anyone”
“Do not show happiness when he is sad, or sadness when he is happy”

Really, really reflect on these. How have you been living up to them? Have they become second nature to you so that you do them without even thinking? It has to be so. And if it is not, make it so! Start now. Mirror his moods, listen to his thoughts. Don’t bother him when he’s napping and make sure his supper is ready on time. Don’t betray his confidence even to your best friend or your mother. Be his slave and he will be yours. Trust me, the formula works.

Marriage is an institution, it’s a structure that provides for generations and generations. If your marriage is a happy one, the children that rise from it will be happy and they will have the techniques necessary to make their marriages happy ones as well. Marriage is the Sea. And in order to allow our individual marriages to flourish, grow, and prosper, we must stand on its sands and surrender.

by Umm Reem

Marriage is a relationship that brings two total strangers into a close bond which Allahazzawajal Blesses with love, tranquility, peace and mercy.

It is a relationship where haram becomes halal and whenever any nation turns away from this noble practice, she only leads herself towards destruction and misery.

It is a relationship in which Allah has blessed women with a status and security in the society which they may not get otherwise.

Marriage, however, is not how it is perceived in Hollywood movies or in fairy tales where a handsome prince charming comes galloping on his horse to his long awaited princess, she falls in his arms and their life becomes perfect, without any compromises or differences or disagreements and they live with each other happily ever after. Although the last part of the fairy tales of ‘happily ever after’ can happen, but along with divergence, conflicts and cooperation!

This last point needs to be drilled in our brides-to-be(s) minds because, as females, they have the tendency to read ‘Sense and Sensibility’ and ‘Pride and Prejudice’ a million times and long for a day when Mr. Darcy will appear on their doorsteps begging their fathers for their hand! But what happens when Mr. Darcy doesn’t appear but his mother comes instead. Or what happens when one day Mr. Darcy doesn’t want to take Mrs. Darcy to dinner outside although she was dressed so nicely and was looking gorgeous. Does it mean he doesn’t love her anymore?!

What we get missed on is the part after the “happily ever after” where a husband and a wife learn each other’s differences, compromise, negotiate, conciliate, not only take but give as well!

This missing part is the reality of the marriage. It doesn’t have to be ugly but it has to be practical which is, unfortunately, not shown in “You’ve Got Mail” that what happens when “I’ve Got a Husband” and “I Need to Get Along with Him”!

So, here is some advice for all the wives and wives-to-be. Remember that first and foremost it is for myself and then for others:

1. “My Responsibility”:

Always remember what your responsibility is. Don’t worry about what is hisresponsibility. When we start worrying about his, we tend to ignore ours. Allahazzawajal will not question us about his responsibilities; He will question us about ours.

2. “My Rights, Your Rights”:My Rights, Your Rights:

Don’t let the marriage come down to a point where everything is judged based on ‘my rights’ and ‘your rights’. Marriage should be above ‘what is my right’ and ‘what is not his right’. As one of my respected sheikh, Waleed Basyouni, once said that when a marriage comes down to ‘my right and your right’ then it is not really a marriage anymore. Marriage is more about what is given beyond ‘rights’ and is compromised when ‘less then my right’ is given!

3. Wife’s Powers!

Believe me, wives have a lot of power to manipulate. Just remember wisdom, patience and politeness. Combine these three elements and you can be the navigator without being in the driver’s seat!

Remember if a woman can mislead a man, she can do just the opposite too, bi idhnihi ta’ala.

4. Politeness Please!

What can be explained politely can never be explained otherwise. This is the time and place to use your charms! It doesn’t take away from your dignity or respect; in fact it makes you more respected when you are polite and gentle with your husband.

Although it is very difficult, but if the end results are kept in mind (i.e to make your husband agree with you) then it becomes easier to watch your tone and brush up your words.

5. Smile:

Keep smiling especially whenever your eyes meet your husband’s, pass a smile. It doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t cost anything. However, it does make you look attractive! And remember, whatever is said with a smile, holds a lot of weight.

6. Less NO Earns you More YES:

Deep advice, but this is what my husband told me in early years of our marriage.

If we give less “No” to them, for whatever they may ask for, then we will get more “Yes” from them when it is our turn to ask! Understand it, implement it and reap the fruits of it, and then make du’a for me!

7. Anger Management:

If your husband is angry then there is obviously no point to argue. You wont make sense to him and you will only waste your energy and valuable time arguing about something that can be put on hold for sometime.

If he is angry, then stop arguing. Don’t talk and walk away (not with an attitude though) or change the topic. If he insists, agree with him with whatever he is saying. If he is calling day night then call the day night. It wont hurt.

YES, I know it is very, VERY difficult and this point of advice is more for me to remember then anyone else but here is what can happen:

If you just stop arguing at the heat of the moment, and wait until he calms down and his mood becomes better then approach him about the same issue then most likely he will agree with you or will at least discuss the issue much more rationally then what he would have done in his “bad mood”!

8. Learn to “agree to disagree”:
Husband and wife are two different human beings. No matter how much love they share, they can still not be the “same” person. And two different people cannot see each and every aspect of life eye to eye. There will be differences and those differences do not HAVE to be resolved. If we learn to ‘agree to disagree’ then many arguments and fights can be avoided.

9. Ignore Petty Issues:

If you just given in and agree over petty issues, then the chances are that you will win over ‘bigger’ issues.

10. Save your Demands for More Important Issues:

If a wife becomes too demanding for every day normal issues then husband’s irritation is very much understandable. Imagine one of your child asking you to eat out every single day or every time you go out. What will happen? No matter how much you love your child, you will start saying “No” and if he/she nags you will eventually start ignoring him/her.

Now, imagine one of your children being very reserve with his/her demands and rarely ever asks to eat out. Then what happens when he/she asks you? It will be very difficult for you to say “No” because you would know that this child rarely ever asks. This can even be topped with the icing if the way of asking is extremely humble and apologetic!

I remember once I was gong to ask my husband something but then in the middle of asking I changed my mind. So I told him to forget it but he insisted that I tell him what I was going to ask for. I asked him why and he said, ‘because you only ask me for 2 things: 1. to take you to your mother’s house 2. to take you to Baskin Robins!”

This was 10 years ago, so I am not sure if he still thinks that way!!

11. Don’t Cry Over Every Other Issue:

Yes, we are females and we have LOTS of tears, way more then our husbands. But it does not mean that our eyes are faucets!

I remember one of my friends, who is happily married and has a good husband mashaAllah, was telling me how her tears are always ready to drop out. In the beginning her husband used to get worried and used to worry about her crying, but now, after 12 years of marriage, whenever she starts crying he keeps looking at his watch and keeps asking, ‘are you done yet?’

If this happens to “good” husbands, imagine what will happen to average or below average husbands! So keep this “tool” special and use it only when extremely needed, otherwise it will loose its value.

12. Tongue in Check:

I do not mean to sound “too demanding” of wives but if we can keep our tongues in check, we can be quite successful. It is tough but not impossible!

I heard a sister once tell of a story in a halaqah about a husband and wife:
“The wife one day left a chair by the front door. When the husband was leaving for work he bumped into the chair and asked his wife to move the chair back to its place. She forgot to move the chair and got busy with her every day chores of cooking and cleaning. When the husband came home and opened the door, the door bumped into the chair and hit husband’s leg. He got hurt and got upset at his wife nor not moving the chair.

There are two scenarios of how the wife reacted:

A. The wife got upset too that she forgot to move the chair because she had so much stuff to do at home, and if only he could understand her difficulties and hardships he would have moved the chair himself instead of asking her etc. etc. The argument went on and on and resulted in a divorce!

B. The wife swallowed the “bitter” attitude of her husband and instead of replying back in the same tone, she apologized for ‘forgetting’ to move the chair and rushed towards the husband to see if he was okay. She offered to massage his foot so he could feel better. Husband, too, calmly sat down and his wife started massaging his foot. Then slowly but gently she explained to him how she forgot because she got busy with household work etc. Husband started sharing with her what he did all day. Consequently, both of them had a nice time chit chatting with each other and so the husband apologized to her for getting upset at her and told her, “You know, may be you should just leave the chair there so I can get hurt every day and we can have this nice time every day!”

13. In-Laws:

A. Never complain to them about your husband.

B. Praise him in front of his family to boost his self-esteem.

C. Show extra respect to him in front of his family.

14. Your Mom & Your Husband:

Never complain to your mother about your husband. Why?

A husband and a wife my argue/fight with one another but not only they forgive each other later but even forget about it. But if the wife tells her mother, then the mother will not forget how he bothered her daughter! She will not only keep it in her heart but eventually will start disliking him.

On the other hand, a wife would want her mother to like her husband. If she ever finds out that her mother doesn’t like her husband (it is inevitable for a mother to hide her true feelings from her daughter) then she will either have problems with her mother or she will start noticing things in her husband that she may not have noticed otherwise. If you absolutely need to talk to someone, talk to a friend instead!

15. Solutions & Sympathies:

Men look for solutions, women want sympathies.

If you only want sympathies and praise then say it, SPELL IT OUT, otherwise husbands will not understand what you are looking for. Tell him: I only want you to sympathize with me or praise me or just say ‘thank you’ whenever I complain about such and such issue.

When I was home-schooling my children, I would complain to him often about my stressful schedule. He started asking me to put the kids in a Islamic school. His suggestion would always irritate me because I wasn’t looking for a “solution”, I was looking for one word, “JazakAllah khair” and once in a while one line of “praise”.

This was becoming a problem until we heard Sh. Yasir Birjas’s lecture on marriage once and he addressed this very issue. That day, walhamdullialh, he realized that I wasn’t looking for a “solution” and I realized that I need to say it very clearly when I just want his sympathies and praise and when I want a solution!

16. Learn to Spell Things Out Clearly & Loudly:

Don’t think that hey will ‘just know it’, like how it happens in the movies! Husbands are human beings. They don’t have revelations about our feelings, or desires or what we are looking for. Be precise and clear. Communicate your problem and suggest solutions that you would like to see.

17. Other Ways to Communicate:

If face to face communication is problematic because of your husband’s busy schedule or because you are short temper yourself etc. etc. then take advantage of technology.

A. Email him.

B. Text msg. him.

C. Make something nice that he likes, take it to him and leave a note besides the plate or under the cup.

D. Send the note with the lunch. Make sure that the lunch is delicious. The more delicious the lunch is, the more effective the note will be.

Once a brother was telling how his wife addressed his anger problem to him. He likes to drink tea while working on the computer, so she made the tea one day and left the note with the tea saying, “What you said in your anger, really hurt my feelings. Please don’t say it again.”

The message hit home and he said that he never repeated what he said in his anger to his wife again!

18. Set Your Priorities Right:

Know what is more important and what is less. Once a sister asked me about wearingniqab while her husband didn’t approve of it. So I told her that even if she believed it to be fard, there are valid opinions stating niqab to be ‘recommended’ only. However, there are no opinions that state obedience to husbands as ‘recommended’ only!

19. Complaining is Degrading:

Indeed, very difficult to implement, but let’s think about it: what do we get out of complaining except that it makes us look like whiners!

We all may have heard of Ibraheem (AS) story when he went to visit his son Ismaeel (AS). Ismaeel (AS) was not home and his wife didn’t recognize Ibraheem (AS). He asked her about their situation and she started complaining about poverty and how badly they were living etc. When Ibraheem (AS) left he told her to convey the message to Ismaeel (AS) to change his ‘door-frame’. When Ismaeel (AS) came back she told him of an old man who visited and told him to change his ‘door-frame’. Ismaeel (AS) asked her to describe the old man to him and when she did, he recognized that it was her father, the Prophet of Allah. He understood the meaning of his message, i.e. to divorce his wife.

When Ibraheem (AS) came to visit again Ismaeel (AS) had a different wife. He wasn’t home again and Ibraheem (AS) again asked the wife about their situation. She didn’t complain at all and thanked Allah for providing them with enough to be satisfied with, although, Ibraheem (AS) could see that they were living in poverty. When he was leaving he asked her to tell Ismaeel (AS) that his ‘door-frame’ is good and to keep it and take care of it!

20. Benefit of Doubt:

Yes our husbands also have the same rights over us as the other Muslims do and to give benefit of doubt is a primary right of a Muslim over another. So imagine that how much more so our husbands deserver it. Sadly we rarely ever give them any!

Don’t ever let shyataan play around with your mind and put doubts against your husband. If you cannot give him benefit of doubt then make sure that you address the issue and ask for clarifications to replace any doubts.

Explain to him that you ask for clarifications because you were having doubts and that you do not want to hold any grudges against him.

21: You are His Clothing:

Understand that you are his ‘libaas’ (clothing) as stated in Qur’an. Our clothes hide our bodies from other’s eyes, including any defect or marks that we may have. In fact, not only clothing keeps us ‘covered’ in front of others, it makes us look attractive and presentable in front of other people!

It is similar to being a spouse. Being a spouse is the most intimate relationship and every spouse knows of each others’ weaknesses quite well. It is a duty upon us to hide our husband’s weaknesses and “present” them in a praiseworthy manner to others, i.e. only talk about their good habits and hide their weak points.

22. Intimacy and Your Duty as a Wife:

Respond to his call. There are enough controversies about this issue, so just readthis.

Moreover, show interest in sexual life and desire him.

Keep your shyness aside; be shy in front of others not with your husband. Initiate intimacy so he feels wanted. Learn and do things to spice up your relationship!

Take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong in buying intimate clothes. Victoria Secrets is having their annual sale right now, and they have it every year in summer! Marshall’s and Ross have similar stuff with awesome prices!

Work out. It is not only for “overweight” people. Skinny people can be out of shape. So, to stay healthy, in shape and active, start working out regularly.

23. Don’t Sleep Angry:

The Prophet of Allah, sallallahu alihi wasalam, said:

“Your women from the people of Paradise are the beloved and fertile, the one who is an asset to her husband, who if her husband becomes angry – comes and places her hand in the hand of her husband and says, ‘I will not taste sleep until you are pleased (with me).’”

No doubt it seems very hard and degrading, especially when the husband is wrong, but try doing it once in a while and you will notice that not only it feels good (knowing that you are doing an act of a person from paradise) but it will even embarrass the husband and he may not admit it but he will feel ashamed in his heart, inshaAllah!

23. Make Du’a:

Indeed, it is the strongest tool to safeguard a marriage!

  1. Always make dua’ that Allah puts love in his heart for you and in your heart for him.
  2. If you ever get stuck in a situation where you really don’t want to do something but your husbands insists, then turn to Allah and ask for help. This is the easiest solution then fighting and arguing.

‘Abd al-Malik (RA) said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother, Umamah came into her, to advise her and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you posses these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.

‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah choose what is best for you and protect you.”

A few years ago, I wrote a post entitled, “The Marriage Cheat Sheet (for guys)” on my old blog, and it was basically a collection of either expectations or communication techniques to help men get along (or around) their wives.  It was written in a tongue-in-cheek sort of way, and it was well-received by those who practiced the advice (though some people reported using it on pushy female co-workers, moms, and sisters with equal success).

A request was made for a sisters version of the cheat sheet, and apparently I had written one up and never gotten around to posting it.  I’m not sure why, but I went back and re-read it today, and I couldn’t help laughing.  It was again, tongue-in-cheek, so to speak, and I’m not sure if I were to re-write it I would write it like that.

Nonetheless, for your viewing pleasure (or horror), here it is, 2 years after requested.  Enjoy!

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There’s been a request from sisters for a cheat sheet of their own to deal with husbands.  There’s even been some brothers requesting a cheat sheet for sisters ;) You have to realize that the last cheat sheet I wrote was from a guy’s perspective, with conclusions which I’ve learned from the experience of others as well as myself.

Each guy is a bit different, but there are characteristics that many of us share, so chances are, much of what you read below will pertain to a guy you know, religious or not.

Also, keep in mind that as a guy writing this for the benefit of sisters, some of this may come off as chauvinistic – it’s not meant to be.  It’s meant to give you insight into the mind of men so that you can better cope with the (sometimes unpleasant) realities you’ll have to work with.  Life is a test, isn’t it?  So anyway, here goes:

KISS (Keep it Simple, Sisters)

Men, for the most part, are pretty simple.  They tend to say what they mean, and mean what they say, without too many hidden agendas (there’s one specific exception I know of, and that’ll be mentioned below).  So if you don’t recall getting into a fight with him, and you ask him what’s wrong, and he says nothing, and then proceeds to surf the net and not speak with you, chances are, nothing is wrong.

You, on the other hand, have all this internal commentary going on, wondering if there’s some hidden underlying message.  That’s the way it is with girls – when you clam up and say nothing is wrong, to you, you want the person to keep asking you what’s wrong and show that they care, and then you want to vent your feelings.

When guys say nothing is wrong, they mean it.  He will, however, get angry if you keep asking him what’s wrong.

Conclude Before You Explain

Whenever you talk with your friends, you guys love to tell the whole story, from start to finish, and then get to the main point.  It’s a girl thing – you guys are communicators, and the one receiving the message enjoys the rapport as much as the one delivering.

Not so with guys.  Our attention span is limited.  And if we’re forced to maintain it for too long, we get irritated.  So before going into story mode, think of the main point of what you’re trying to say, say that first, and then go into the story.  If you think it won’t make sense starting with the end, don’t worry.  He’ll ask questions and then you can go forward.  And if he doesn’t, well, he probably doesn’t want to talk right now.

Make A Man Happy

As I said above, men are really simple.  They need:

1.  Food on Time
2.  Physical Intimacy on a Regular Basis
3.  Don’t Diss Mom – Do your best to make my mom happy with you
4.  A Clean Home

I know that sounds very old-fashioned, but it’s true.  Take care of those, and most other issues cease being issues.  Let’s talk about Issue #2 a little more though.

The Polygyny Fantasy

Here’s the thing that most sisters will hate to know, but you should know.  Whether the guy is religious or non-religious, politically correct or politically incorrect, guys want to have multiple wives (or hoories).  This brings me to the issue to that exception to the KISS rule – has your husband been joking around with you about polygyny?  Chances are, he’s trying to get you to be more accommodating to the idea.  It’s a longshot, he knows, but he’s trying.

Don’t be angry at him.  It’s how we were created.  You were created as a bent rib.  We were designed to desire more than one.  You have to take it up with the Creator.

But, you contend, I want him all to myself.  In most cases, you’ll always have him to yourself, but mentally, his mind and heart might still wander in that direction.  It’s NOT infidelity.  It’s our natural instinct.  You, however, can trick that natural instinct if you’re willing to apply yourself to it, and you keep a few principles in mind.

Firstly, we all get tired of what we’re used to, and always want the next thing.  Secondly, whereas your attraction to your partner is partly physical, it’s largely emotional, and the opposite is true of men.

So step 1, on a monthly basis, you’ll want to “re-invent” yourself – new hairstyle, new hair color, new anything (get your husband’s feedback for specific likes / dislikes) that is “physical” and put it together in each month.  If he gets a “new” wife every month who fulfills the previous point, he’ll likely not even think of anyone else.

And step 2?  Repeat step 1.

The Nag Factor

Men hate nagging.  With a passion.  Especially when we’re being nagged to do something during a time in which our minds are focused on something else.  For example, taking out the trash.  Look at what he’s doing – is it something useless and wasteful to you?  Chances are, it’s relaxing for him.  So leave him be.  When he’s walking out the door, hand it to him at a time when it’s convenient.

Another technique – give him a chore, and ask him when the best time is for him to do it – let him make the decision and commitment, and then you can hold him to it.

Fair Arguments

Women tend to speak in 100% terms – “You never spend time with me” or “You always hang out with your friends” or “Why do you always joke about getting a second wife?” when in reality, no one is ever “always” or “never” does anything.  But when you make a statement like that, the guy is going to be like, wait a second, I just did that for you yesterday, or, I just did that last week.  And then you get more frustrated because what you mean to say was, “You’re not taking care of this issue right now, and it’s upsetting me.”

So, returning back to KISS, if you want to spend more time with him, don’t tell him what he’s doing to you, acknowledge what he’s done, and then ask – “I know we already spent time together yesterday and I appreciate that, but I want to spend more time with you today” or “It was a really big help for me that you took out the trash for me last week, could you do it more regularly?  I’d really appreciate it.”  Acknowledge what he’s done, then suggest improvement in a positive manner.

Take the Slob Out of Him

I know that many of you marry your guy with the intent of reshaping your guy to look and dress in a manner that makes you stand out, having such a great guy as your husband.  And, I know that we hate to dress up, and would prefer to bum around in a t-shirt and jeans.

Your move – aim for his ego like so – “I really like the way this outfit looks on you.  It really cuts a better figure of you.  You should wear it more often.”

Speaking of which…

Men Have Egos – Don’t Bruise Them

Telling your guy what to do and how to do it is irritating to him.  Use the technique above to influence him in the direction of the goal you’re trying to accomplish.

And whatever you do, NEVER EVER YELL AT HIM IN PUBLIC!

Admit When You’re Wrong

If you know you’re wrong, don’t drag it out by pouting and expecting him to apologize anyway.  Apologize if you’re wrong, and move on.  He’ll appreciate it and will move on right away as well, unless you bring it up again.  Most guys don’t like to talk about issues, so the faster it’s behind you, the happier he’ll be.

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That’s the end of it (please don’t hurt me).

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