Bismi Allah. As-salaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakaatuh,

Your husband’s Love Tank ran dry, the engine broke down, and now your marriage is stuck in a ditch by the side of the road? No need to worry! Just sit back and have a nice cup of TEA while you call up Triple A to pull your marriage out of the rut.

TEA Triple A – roadside assistance for understanding the 6 primary love needs of men. (click here to learn about the needs of women)


T
– Trust
E – Encouragement
A – Admiration

A – Approval
A – Appreciation
A – Acceptance

Trust – When the wife’s attitude is open and receptive toward her husband, he feels *trusted*. To trust a man is to believe that he is doing his best and that he wants the best for his wife. This positive belief should be reflected by the wife’s interactions with her husband.

Example: The husband is trying to fix the kitchen sink. As he struggles with the wrench, the wife looks on and says, “Maybe you should call a plumber…” The husband feels crushed because he thinks she doesn’t trust him to do what’s best for them. Instead, the wife should refrain from giving unsolicited advice (except Islamic advice, of course).

Encouragement – When the wife expresses confidence in her husband’s abilities and character, it fills him with hope and courage and he feels *encouraged*.

Example: When the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) received the first revelation from Allah, he was terrified and sought comfort with his wife Khadija. He said, “I fear that something may happen to me.” Khadija replied, “Never! But have the glad tidings, for by Allah, Allah will never disgrace you as you keep good relations with your kith and kin, speak the truth, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guest generously and assist the deserving, calamity-afflicted ones.” [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Admiration – When the wife views the husband with wonder, delight, and pleased approval, the husband feels *admired*. Telling him what to do as if he were a child does not make him feel admired. Admiration is when the wife is happily amazed by his unique characteristics or talents like humor, strength, persistence, integrity, honesty, romance, kindness, love, understanding, etc.

Example: Once the prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) was sitting in a room with Aisha and fixing his shoes. It was very warm, and Aisha looked to his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. She became overwhelmed by the majesty of that sight was staring at him long enough for him to notice. He said, “What’s the matter?” She replied, “If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you.” The Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) asked, “What did he say?” She replied, “Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see.” So the Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, “Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more.”

[This was narrated in Dala’el Al-Nubuwa for Imam Abu Nu’aim with isnad including Imam Bukhari and Imam Ibn Khuzaina. Can someone please check its authenticity?]

Approval – When the wife acknowledges the goodness in her husband and expresses overall satisfaction with him, the husband receives the *approval* he needs. An approving attitude looks for the good reasons behind what the husband does (even if she doesn’t agree with the act itself). Every man wants to be his wife’s hero. The sign that he’s achieved that is his wife’s approval.

Example: If the wife expresses her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like, “How could you do that?” he feels she has taken away her approval of him. He no longer feels like the good guy.

Appreciation – When the wife acknowledges having received personal benefit and value from her husband’s efforts and behavior, he feels *appreciated*. When a man is appreciated, he knows his effort is not wasted and is thus encouraged to give more.

Example: Acknowledge what your husband has done for you instead of just complaining about what he has not done. If he doesn’t hear your appreciation, he won’t continue his efforts.

Acceptance – When the wife lovingly receives her husband without trying to change him, he feels *accepted*. This accepting attitude does not mean that she believes he is perfect, but it indicates that she is not trying to improve him and that she trusts him to make his own improvements.

Example: Don’t nag him about his bad habits or try to control his behavior by sharing upset or negative feelings. Sharing feelings is ok, but not when used to punish or manipulate.

Ok, time to memorize it:

TEA Triple A
T – Trust
E – Encouragement
A – Admiration

A – Approval
A – Appreciation
A – Acceptance


Let’s share more examples by quoting ayat/ahadeeth that illustrate each category, in sha Allah! State the categorie(s) and the ayah/hadeeth that depicts it.

(Based on the work of John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

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