Bismillahi Rahmaani Raheem,

As-salaamoualaikoum wa rahmtAllahi wa barakaatuhu,

Okay I hope the title caught your eye…

I remember learning in Fiqh of Love with Sheikh Yaser Birjas hafidhAllah, an analogy that was used with reguards to marital relationships. One of the analogies he mentioned was the car analogy. That a marriage is like a car, if you don’t take care of it, and fix the small problems when they come along, put gas and oil in it, (basically maintain it) it’ll break down. We understood that marriage is the same way. If one doesn’t nip the small problems in the bud along the way, and sit down, and talk about the problems and try to find a solution, things will just build up like snowball going down hill…before you know it, the problems become multiple and out of hand…and one looks around to see a marital break down.

Many of us tend to be self centered, and think, “Oh well if he/or she would only examin themselves first then I can move on, if they’d only fix their wrongs with me then I can move forward, but they don’t care.” Well first off, one has to ask, “What am I doing that’s questionable in our relationship? Am I doing my homework with my spouse? What are my daily activities like? Am I trying to learn his/her language of love? What language do they speak?”

Most importantly, you have to learn to forgive. If you can’t forgive, then life will be that of bitterness and poison. Constant frustration and anger over something that happened by the will of Allah. We can’t change what happened. We all make mistakes, and we’ll never find perfection in the creation. Give the other the benefit of the doubt that they made their ammends with Allah 3azza wa Jal and prayed taubah for what they did to you and or said. That’s the first step. If you can’t forgive, then forget about reading beyond this sentence.

A typical wife might say, “I cook, I clean, I iron and do his laundry, I take care of his kids, and he comes home only to ignore me daily…what am I doing wrong?” Well she should ask herself: “What am I not doing?” Perhaps the man just wants her to get off his back for awhile…and just be quiet…maybe he’s in his “cave” so to speak. Some men stay in caves for quite some time. Especially when he has an overload of responsiblities, worries, perhaps financial problems, internal problems, work politics,ect. All the above could be the result of his ignoring you. It’s a common problem like a cold, men work like rubberbands, they need to go away for awhile to internalize, solutionize their life(if solutionize is a word lol), and then quickly before you know it, he’ll come running back to ya like he’s a brand new man. We learned in class that if a wife does the opposite, and she runs behind him up to his “cave of thoughts” so to speak, this only drives him further away and she never gives him chance to “snap back.”

Okay now guys, you might be asking…why is she so darn moody? She’s always so tired, so busy, so complaining, so everything…I can’t get my rest from this shaytana when I come home! Well….guys, you gotta admit it, babies, children, housework, noisy neighbors, sometimes mere boredome, can cause a wife to get like that. She doesn’t mean to blame you, she doesn’t mean to annoy you, nay she’s only seeking someone to vent upon, since perhaps she’s around the little people all day who don’t understand why one gets so frustrated from being couped up all day long in the house with only little people to talk to. The little people don’t understand her language, they only understand candy, bathroom, cookies, and “That’s MINE!” So…give her a break. Okay so she was late with dinner a few times, but kids are unpredictable, be flexible with her.

Now ladies, don’t use your kids to be your escape goat everytime he comes after you about some issue…you gotta put him as the first priority before the kids, sorry to say….if he’s satisfied with you whilst you prayed your five daily prayers, and fasted in Ramadaan, and guarded your chasity, you’ll be on your way to Jannah insha’Allah as we’ve heard from the well known hadeeth. Now many ladies have this backwards. They think that their kids are everything, and that they are the ones who are going to get them to Jannah. Okay perhaps insha’Allah if a Muslimah raises them on the straight path, along with being hufaadh of the Qur’an, it sure might help. But we understood from Fiqh of Love, that the husband has more rights on his wife, even more then her mother. Imagine? So get your priorities straight, give up your desire to always make that same ‘ol boring excuse…”I’m too tired, I work too hard, I can’t, I don’t have energy by the end of the day…”. Put hubby first in your marriage and do good to him, treat him like he’s the imam of the home for the sake of Allah…he deserves it, working outside daily is not something fun and easy…his position deserves great amounts of respect ya ukhti. Make excuses for him the next time he yells at you over something small, and just remember he’s got a lot on his shoulders.

Now guys, come on, give the lady a break. If she put too much salt on the food don’t hammer her down like she made a major sin. Don’t yell at her. Don’t get mad. Just …. stay silent if she says or does something to irritate you. Make her feel beautiful. Make her feel wanted….talk to her…tell her something simple like “I love you.” Sing to her. Make her feel special. Make her laugh. Sometimes buying things for her might not just cut it. She likes to be talked to…she likes simple affection. Consider her wishes, and desires…make her feel like she’s beloved in every way. If you find yourself unable to do these things, well ask yourself, “What made me fall in love with her in the first place?” Don’t blow her off for something she complains about. Safiyya RadiAllahu Ta’ala 3anha was found weeping because her camel was too slow. So RasulAllah, 3aleyhi salat wa salaam, took her down from the camel – upon his knee mind you, wiped away her tears and gave her a faster camel. Something small to him perhaps but he 3aleyhi salat wa salaam cared about her need and her sadness. He didn’t just blow it off. He took the time to listen to her, to help her. 3aleyhi salat wa salaam. If you want to win your wife’s heart, follow the Sunnah of RasulAllah 3aleyhi salat wa salaam, the best you can-in ALL aspects. Don’t say, “Oh well that was the Prophet 3leyhi salat wa salaam, and I can’t ever be like him.” Forget about that trick from shaytaan…go back to the Qur’an, and stick with it. Remember that the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and RasulAllah 3aleyhi salat wa salaam was the best of men.

And ladies, you need to really change those clothes before he comes home. Don’t let him see you running around with fried onion perfume. Look and smell your best, as if he’s a guest comming home from a long travel. Make the entrance special. Take him and remove his socks and help him to put on comfortable clothes. Bring him his food and let him sit in peace, even if it means in a totally different room. Sometimes that’s all they need is just a little care and spoiling. Your submission to him is beloved by Allah 3azza wa Jal. If you were raised in the west, get rid of the whole ideology of, “I’m not gonna let a man control me.” This way of thinking resembles that of the kuffaar. One has to realize that Islam is a whole new culture with a whole new set of rules. Being beloved by Allah means obeying your husband, even if he goes on a power trip one day, let him, do what he says even if its something as small as, “Go get me a glass of water.” Shaytaan is the one who tries to make you feel like your a slave. But if you are like a slave to your hubby, he’ll be a slave for you. And if he’s not, make dua3ah for him, Allah loves your du3ah and responds quickly insha’Allah to the one who is patient.

Let’s face it, one is bound to find somethings in their wife/husband that just really annoys them. Don’t expect your partner to change over night. If you want them to change make du3ah for them, try to teach them by example. Guys, don’t be too harsh with her, if you are, you’ll break her. She’s made from the crooked rib of Adam, you cannot expect her to be perfect, and you gotta lower your standards sometimes. Remember, marriage is about a lot of giving- with ikhlaas in mind.

This is just a wrap up of what I learned at Fiqh of Love. I hope everyone benefitted insha’Allah. Perhaps many divorces could be prevented if more knowledge was spread out to the Muslim married couples of this Ummah. Shaytaan always plans, but he’s a weak planner, and many of his plots fail. We have to let the Qur’an be alive in our homes daily, in order battle off the shaytaan. Not only that, one finds that reading Qur’an daily, one tends not to get angry and small things, and the home becomes filled with a calm peace. Let the Qur’an be your weapon, along with du3ah. Don’t let the shaytaan get what he wants.

And May Allah 3azza wa Jal make our marriages successful, Ameen.